I was going to write about how having a red mare has given me years of honing my social distancing. About how the smallest circle Belle has is over 6’ so I know the “safe zone” well. I was going to be witty and talk about how maybe she has had it right this whole time: the only way to enjoy the company of another is without actually touching them. I was going to go a step further and talk about how my red mare has taught me so well that I have transferred this to my husband. That I probably now give off looks that could kill and that’s why he sits in his recliner at night instead of trying to share the couch with me.

I was then going to spin off into other things that I’m taking from the barn and using it weirdly. Like the fact that my long haired cat would really appreciate it if I had horses to be clipping and shedding out for Spring events rather than cornering him with the clippers instead. And how since I have no need to do a Spring Cleaning of my trailer, my closet has been reorganized 3 times. I also am struggling to know what to do with so many empty laundry baskets.

But, I decided that the meat of this needed to dive deeper. We’ve already busted out an impressive number of memes helping to laugh our way through this. I need to just tell you, this sucks. This sucks on so many levels I get overwhelmed just trying to decide what to talk about sucking first.

I took the entire show season off last year to train. To get my red mare and her brunette side kick more solid in their training. My goal for Belle was to come out at Novice and finish at Training, all while earning our Bronze in dressage. And man can I tell you, she has been feeling unstoppable. Isn’t that a funny expression? “Unstoppable”… well played, COVID19, well played. And to bring Maizie out at Training and be ready to go 2* in the south this winter… but she’s still rehabbing from tearing a tendon, and now is going on to 2 weeks without being worked because the shipment of Ace hasn’t come yet (stop ordering toilet paper people!) Don’t even try to tell me to ride her without Ace- I bought her to be my upper level horse for a reason and asking a fit OTTB to take 5 months off goes against nature. This sucks.

 My students have worked their butts off this winter improving their mental and physical game. They are more ready to compete than I have ever seen them. They’ve worked hard to learn the theory, to get over their demons, to keep showing up even when the weather told them to do otherwise. And again, we get it COVID19… you’re bigger and badder than a -20* wind chill. This sucks.
My business has been the busiest it has ever been and my goal numbers were starting to be met. I had 4 levels of Academy full, Camp scheduled for the entire summer, Working Students lined up, and even had sponsors for my horse shows (with some awesome prizes!). This sucks.
I had finally started seeing the light at the end of the vet bill tunnel. Because, man, a tendon repair surgery and 3 tooth extraction surgeries are even more expensive than they sound. This sucks.

Yes, life will go on. Yes, shows will start again and the horses and students will be even better when they do. Yes, the business will prevail. Luckily we have an amazing community and we have enough in the works to make ends meet. Yes, my vet bills will get paid… actually, that’s a lie- they’ll just get replaced with different causes of vet bills and I learned to bear that cross long ago. Yes, I will pick myself up by the spur straps, put on a smile and keep on keepin’ on. But for today, while I write this… all of it sucks.

I have been feeling a lack of ambition to ride… I mean, I love riding and enjoy training more than competing but it’s tough to have gotten so close with being so ready only to have the timeline moved. ((This must be what that horse chasing the carrot feels like)) So, I decided that I am going to keep my goals set on the days they were set for and hold myself accountable to being able to have brought my A game at the show. Instead of trucking to a show, I will be recording my tests and finding a judge willing to score them remotely. My first show was supposed to be a dressage show where I rode two 2nd Level tests. I’m still going to plan to be able to get qualifying scores from both of them.
I still have a lot to do to prepare for my first event. We still aren’t jumping whole courses at the height and we haven’t done a single trot set. So, I’ll train like I’m heading to the show and will hold my own “show” that day instead.  I plan to be able to, again, ride my test and aim to get below a 25% (she’s a DQ, ok?!)…then I’ll head out for some trot sets and count each major spook or every time my legs get tired as a 20…  then I’m going to set a SJ course at the height and ride it as smooth as possible, counting all faults. I know it’s not the same as an actual event… but it’s more than riding the couch for the next few months.

For my students… I have to help them find ways to stay motivated too. I can’t be the only one feeling like I was dumped into the water jump at a muddy horse trial. I’m working on ways to challenge their fitness and also give them ways to keep their goals set. The hard thing about the internet is that you can’t ride it, so I’m going to have to get creative there. Luckily the pressure from needing to solve that puzzle will help distract me from feeling utterly crushed for them.
 
The unmounted lessons can happen remotely and I will have some of the smartest and most knowledgeable young riders on this side of the Mississippi. We will find ways to tap into their fitness- maybe some workout videos with the red mare stare in the background need to happen? We will find ways for them to connect to their horses and each other so they can still get some of the benefits of their barn friends- Google Hangout never got to hang out in the paddock before! If I can find ways to keep them engaged just think of how BA they will be once back on the horse!

So, for today my red mare has taught me to pin my ears when things aren’t going my way but to know deep down that keeping a sense of who I am is most important. I plan to use Spring for all it has to offer and to let it remind me that even in the dreariest of days, the beauty of the world is hard at work getting ready to bloom.

For the past year, the relationship I have developed with my red mare has evolved more than the past 5 combined. It started last winter when I spent countless circles panic-galloping while she cried it out and learned to settle herself. This concept of teaching her to self soothe was a massive turning point in not only her processing but also in how I approached situations with her and also other horses. (I’ll try to sit down and give this method its own post) Before this approach, I constantly was trying to keep the lid on her anxiety and survive most situations by TELLING her she was okay instead of teaching her to decide that she could handle it on her own. In my defense, I really was just hoping to survive because as you know… this red mare is a true believer in react first, think second. She was like riding a pot of milk you were trying to get to boil. One second you’re not hot enough and the next you’re having to turn the burner off because the milk is all over the stove. So, when Tik explained that she needed to feel ok with seeing the world and get good at bringing her own anxiety back under boiling point things really started to fall into place. Now, almost exactly a year after those first terrifying days of “just let her gallop until she decides to stop on her own”, Belle and I have a much smoother transfer of responsibility. 

​My responsibility is to be fair in what I ask of her, ride to the best of my ability, keep myself in balance emotionally and physically, and trust her. Her responsibility is to look ahead, manage her own reactions and emotions, and to trust me. So when I have worked on our simple changes or hand gallop and her anxiety starts to go up because her reactions and foot work had to get quicker, it is her responsibility to simmer herself down and it’s my job to let her. This also means that it’s her job to see the jump and quiet herself in the approach to it and it’s my job to be patient to it and trust that she makes good choices. 

We as riders… in the rat race to the upper levels, in the only hour between dropping the kids off at basketball and picking them up for dance, in the fear that our horse may break(our heart)… need to stop trying to control our horses to the point of crushing their self regulation. There are days that our horse won’t be in the mind set to do a picture perfect 30 minute flat ride, there are days that our horse won’t have the mental capacity to go for a hack in a calm 4 beat walk, there are days that our horse won’t be up for the add in the 5 stride, and we need to keep our priorities straight so that we don’t just force their head between their knees so we can get it checked off the list. In these times, practicing a transfer of responsibility is more important than the git-er-done. When Belle isn’t in the mind set for a supple short flat ride, we walk and work on her being responsible for her 50% of the contact rather than me taking 80% to get through w/t/c. When Belle’s tea kettle is whistling when we set out on our hack, we jig with my hand on my neck strap so I don’t interfere with her settling herself to the walk. When Belle isn’t in the “let’s add one more stride” club, we trot all of the fences for the day while she gains responsibility for her own balance. You see, my responsibility is to put her in scenarios where she can figure out how to cope and make the best decisions for herself and in return keep me safe.

​In light of recent news and activity in the Eventing world, this idea of transferring responsibility seamlessly back and forth between rider and horse is, in my opinion, crucial. This idea of transferring responsibility goes into each jump of each course too. I used to love the saying “Jumping is just dressage with jumps in the way”, but now I’m more cautious with that. In dressage the rider needs the horse to be obedient and follow exactly what the rider cues. But in jumping I feel that too many riders are taking the expectations from dressage too literally. We shouldn’t want our jumping horses to follow every single cue without question. I want a horse that knows their job better than I do and who says “nah, I think you’re wrong about that one” when it’s warranted. If my horse doesn’t feel empowered to take responsibility for their job I don’t want to be galloping it toward solid obstacles. So, the transfer of responsibility lies in the fact that it’s my job to know the course, to explain to my horse what type of balance we will need for the upcoming jump, and to then stay quiet enough in the conversation for them to make a plan. Really, saying “Jumping needs balance and rhythm like dressage with a forward looking horse” gets the message across a little clearer if you ask me. 

The relationship between responsibility and safety goes for student and instructor too. I think it’s important to teach my students to advocate for themselves and often wonder how many other instructors are doing the same. Birds push their young out of the nest to teach them to fly; humans expect their young to follow in line obediently until they magically should know how to care for themselves and blame them for not paying attention when in fact they rarely had opportunities to practice. So when young riders come to me, I try to teach them how to advocate for their horse by asking me questions and be able to sort through training obstacles on their own by asking themselves questions. We all agree that the days of barn rats, kids building jumps out of anything in the junk pile, and ponies being galloped down miles of road to pony club are long gone. So with that, we need to actively teach the newer generations how to think for themselves and their horse more than ever. It is my responsibility to instill the knowledge and confidence for students to be able to make their own choices in the barn and on the course, but it is also my responsibility to listen to those students when their educated opinions differ from mine. I try hard to find the line between “it wasn’t perfect, do it one more time” and “do you think you’d be successful if you did it again”. This is not only an important life lesson for them to stand on their own 2 feet, but it’s a safety issue. I want them to learn that they need to listen to their horses the same way I try to listen to them. “One more time” doesn’t work unless everyone in the equation has committed to it. 

​The dictionary defines responsibility as “the state or fact of having a duty to deal with something” and “the opportunity or ability to act independently and make decisions without authorization”. Teaching my red mare how to deal with her emotions and own her decisions has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.

​This is what Eventing is about.